just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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