if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
