No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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