its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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