He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I touched a dick in church today
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
