I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
