My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
