He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
