im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
