I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
not ubering you a puppy
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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