I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
