I CAN MOONWALK!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
