elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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