yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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