I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
