Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
