Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
