My liver just broke up with me...
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
