i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Randomize
