Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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