this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
