It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
