I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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