3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
