i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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