Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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