My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize