apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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