Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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