dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize