he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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