Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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