I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
