So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
