I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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