His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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