I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
