Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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