Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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