sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
