this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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