I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
