the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize