I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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