You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So drunk its hurt
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
