Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize