Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
