i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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