Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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