I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
