Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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