Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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