Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
