Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
