You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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