Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
