New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You're a waste of cheezeits
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
