You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
