how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
