Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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