im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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