Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
