If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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