I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize