i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
