Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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